The Life of Cici: Friends With Benefits?

I met this guy last year, who was kind of attractive. I became friends with him and his friends, and over that, I realized he was a bit of an ass. Regardless, we were still friends. One day, when I was hanging out with my friends/his roommates in their apartment, I saw that he was being a real downer and unsocial. I went in to his room and we started watching Star Trek (because he's a geek and my friend's mom was in an episode), and somehow we ended up having sex.

This happened again the next night, and the morning to follow. And then again the next weekend, and the next. I liked being friends with benefits because he was happier, and I was having fun. Then, sometimes I would be over to hang out and he would say, "Let's go to bed", which I thought meant we were going to have sex. But actually, he really meant that we were just going to go to sleep. I ended up sharing his twin bed with him a lot, and we hooked up every once in a while, which was pretty weird if we were just fuck buddies. He started holding my hand in front of his friends and making it public knowledge that we were sleeping together. He would help me study, I helped him get better at lying, and we would talk and hang out a lot, even though he thought that a four year age difference was too much. The fact that he was a douche became even more apparent when he told me he would have cheated on his ex with me. And even more so when he brought this girl he liked to a party I was going to be at and then asked if he could pretend to drop me off at home and then come get me to bring me back to his place on the way back.

Anyways, the morning before we left for winter break, I woke up, and he was holding me and my hand, and it was nice. He walked me to practice, and we said goodbye. Over the break, we snapchatted and texted all the time. The week before we got back, I assumed he was really missing me, because the amount of texts and snaps went way up.

Then, all of a sudden he stopped opening my snaps. I just thought he was busy getting back to school and things like that. After all, we weren't together or anything. I texted him a few days after we got back, and got a few responses, but nothing much. Tonight, I went out for ice cream with one of his roommates and one of my girlfriends. Eventually, it came up that the guy I had been sleeping with is dating a girl now, as of New Year's Eve. She's my age, and apparently it's serious already. I wouldn't be bothered so much if he had just told me that he met a girl and we couldn't sleep together any more, especially after treating me like more than a fuck buddy for months. Instead of doing the mature thing that a 23-year-old should be able to do and telling me, he just cut off all communication with me. Apparently he was told by some people that if he was going to have this girlfriend, he would need to cut all ties with me. Well, there goes that.

This end was inevitable from the beginning, just based on the type of person I knew/know he is/was, so it really bothers me that I'm kind of bothered by all of this. I'm more upset that he hasn't told me, (he doesn't know I know) but making me feel like he actually liked me messed with my head, making me all confused.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened to me. It happened last year for a little more than the month of March. This guy would kiss me in public, and hold my hand. We went to a concert together on a Thursday night, and had a blast. After that, he wanted me to come to a foam party with him, and so I went. Once we were there though, he disappeared, and when I tried to dance with him he kind of brushed me off. After having three guys pounce on me and try to stick their tongues down my throat, I left. He didn't talk to me at all the next day, even though we were hanging out at the same place with the same people. That night was the 3Oh!3 concert, and he grabbed me and grinded on me the entire time. There were fireworks after that concert, and when I got to where we were going to sit and watch the fireworks with the rest of our friends, he wasn't there, so I sat and talked to his friend. All of a sudden, an arm grabbed me, and I heard, "Dude, that's my girl !!", and he was holding me. He saw I was shivering and gave me his sweatshirt, and then almost right after that, he leaned away from me and that was it. When the fireworks were over, he told me he wanted his sweatshirt back and said he was unhappy, and then didn't talk to me again.

Apparently, he told my friend to take me home because he wanted to go to the party I was going to go to and didn't want to upset me. She told him she wasn't going to take me home and we went to the party. He did in fact show up to the party and did not say one word to me. About a week later, he texted me and told me we should talk. It went something like this:

"We need to stop. I've realized that you have feelings for me, and I have none for you and I don't want you to get hurt."

He got a girlfriend a short time later. Once again, the 23-year-old proves to not be able to be more mature than a teenager.

The one other guy I've ever had some sort of relationship with was when I was a freshman in high school. He was almost 17, and I had just turned 14. I liked him for about a week, but then he started asking to have sex. We still hung out a few times, and in the midst of our conversations, he told me that he would beat up freshman. He also had a machete in the gun-shed next to his bed. I felt very pressured to say yes, and I was a little scared of him because of his violent past and close-proximity weapon. He probably would have never hurt me, and probably didn't know those thoughts ever went through my head, but eventually I broke up with him.

I hear about and see people in regular relationships, and I just have to wonder what being in one feels like. It must feel pretty good, or less people would be in them. I do like to just have fun, but that has proven to mess with my mind and upsets me and makes me sad. I don't need a prince charming or a knight in shining armor, but I would like to find a guy that I can trust and have fun with. I have to wonder what it is about me that attracts the shitty ones, and not the ones that want a relationship. I'm almost 20, and I haven't really been taken out on a real date. The closest thing was a lunch date with a guy I didn't know liked me, and I didn't figure out it was a date until two weeks later. I'm usually modest, but I must say that I'm not the dumbest, I'm not the ugliest, I'm not the fattest, I'm not the most boring, I'm not plain at all, I'm not the laziest, so what's the problem?

Does anyone have any advice?

Here's my friends and I in the bed of the guy that just screwed with my head ..